Big Time Pottymouth
by BTRHortenseWINS
Summary: When ten year old Kendall teaches a new word to his friends, it's up to Mrs. Knight and the other parents to try and stop the boys from becoming pottymouths. Needless to say, shenanigans ensue within the Knight family home.


Summer. There are two definitions of the word 'Summer'. One being June 21st, the day of the Summer Solstice. The other being that fateful date about two weeks prior when every child in Minnesota got to experience the joy of school ending for the year. The latter definition was on the mind of four young boys, who had just finished fourth grade.

"Three months of freedom before we have to go back to school." James said on their final bus ride home from school, "We're going to be fifth graders, though! We get to have the first pick of seats during lunch next year."

Kendall grimaced. "Well, I heard that in the fifth grade, you have to write _one-paged essays_. Single spaced."

Carlos almost fainted from that statement. "One whole page?"

"Yeah, I know! It's going to be so hard!"

"I don't think that sounds bad. I already do one-paged essays." Logan said. The boys had long ago learned to ignore Logan's proclamations about how "cool" schoolwork and homework were.

James argued on a different point, "But a new school year means we might get new classmates! And that means new girls!" His smile faltered a bit when he asked, "Wait, you don't still think girls have cooties, do you, Kendall?"

"No, of course not!" Kendall exclaimed, "I got my cootie shot, remember?"

"Cooties don't exist." Logan said.

"You speak lies." Kendall replied, "Everyone knows that all girls have cooties."

"Even your mom?" Logan asked.

"And your sister?" James added, "I bet adults just make up the whole 'cootie' thing."

Carlos scoffed, "Why would adults lie to us? Next you'll be saying that Santa Claus is made up."

The other three boys chose not to say anything about that.

They soon got to their stop. Although the boys didn't live in the same neighborhood, they had taken to going to Kendall's house after school, despite the fact that he probably had the smallest house of the four. It was a quaint little bungalow with a small yard and a little interior. But what drove the boys into staying at Kendall's house all the time was not the size, but the homely atmosphere they encountered while inside.

Mrs. Knight almost always greeted the boys with a batch of her famous soft and sugary snickerdoodles, whereas James's parents only had store-bought snacks. Although the bungalow was tiny in comparison to Logan's huge home(courtesy of his mother's lucrative real estate business), the decorative pictures and knickknacks contributed to a warmer environment. And even though there's still four year old Katie toddling around, the house as a whole was a lot quieter than Carlos's(which was strange, considering that Carlos was an only child).

There was also a bonus to going to Kendall's home over the others. It was a one and a half story house, meaning that the upstairs only had three rooms: Kendall's bedroom, his bathroom, and a second bedroom, which the boys had been using as 'secret hideout' all the while. Even though the 'hideout' wasn't exactly a secret, they all thought it was cool.

Imagine the shock that occurred when they walked into the secret hideout, only to find the room covered in pink.

"I don't know why you guys are acting so surprised. I told you all already that my mom painted it." Kendall said, looking at the brand new bed that was sitting in the corner. "It's Katie's new bedroom, but she doesn't like it."

"Of course she doesn't, it's pink." James said in disgust. The bed's cover had a pink floral pattern and a matching pink rug over a white carpet. The wardrobe was white, though the new teddy bears sitting on top of them was pink. The amount of pinkness was enormous, almost to the point of sensory overlord.

"But aren't girls supposed to like pink?" Carlos said.

Logan jumped into lecture mode, "Actually, the whole 'boys like blue and girls like pink' thing didn't even exist until the 1940's. Before then, it was the complete opposite."

"Okay, well, aren't girls _nowadays_ supposed to like pink?" Carlos corrected himself with an eyeroll aimed at Logan.

Kendall shrugged. "She thinks there's monsters or something. She goes into my room _every single night_. I didn't care at first, but it's getting pretty -" _Achoo!_ Carlos sneezed.

The three boys stared at Kendall in confusion. "What was that last word you said?" Logan spoke, confused over the fact that Kendall knew a word he didn't.

"I said -" _Achoo! _This time James sneezed.

"I've never heard of that word before!" Carlos said.

"Yeah, I heard it last night. It sounds cool, right?" Kendall said, grinning.

James raised an eyebrow. "Do you even know what it means?"

"No. I looked in a dictionary-"

"Why do you have a dictionary?" Carlos interrupted.

Kendall repeated himself, "I looked in the dictionary, but since I don't know how it's spelled, I couldn't find it."

"Maybe Logan knows!" James exclaimed, "He's like a walking dictionary, after all."

"I've actually never heard of it before." Logan said, "But in the way you used it, it's an adjective."

"What's an adjective again?" Carlos asked, "I wasn't very good at Language Arts class this year."

James answered his question. "An adjective describes something. Like a _hairy_ bear!" When James was accosted with heavy stares, he defended himself. "Hey, I didn't make the A/B honor roll just because I'm cute."

"Well, is it a good adjective or a bad adjective?" Carlos questioned, "Like, 'this is great!' or 'that's horrible!'?"

"I used it negatively," Kendall said, "But I don't know if I'm right or not."

"But that word sounds cool! I think it should be used positively." James said, "You could say things like: This is really -" _Bark Bark! _The neighbors next door must have let their noisy dogs outside.

"No, it sounds better the way Kendall used it." Carlos said, "Imagine if you broke your lucky comb, James. You could be all like: Oh no! It broke! How -" _BARK! _Those dogs probably saw the mailman.

"Maybe it can be used both ways?" Logan offered, "If you get an A on a test, you can go: Hey, how -" _BARK BARK! _The dogs were getting louder. "But if you get an F, you can say: Oh, this is so -" _BARK BARK BARK!_

_"_My neighbor's dogs are so loud." Kendall commented, "But yeah, that sounds like it could work! It's really -" _BARK!_

* * *

When Carlos got home that night with his mom, he was welcomed to the sound of an extremely loud television. It was playing some old western movie.

"Hey, son!" Mr. Garcia said from the living room couch. He opened his arms wide as Carlos ran over to hug him, "How was the last day of school? And why does your mom look like she's just seen your grandma's ghost?"

"Ask him what word he's learned today." Mrs. Garcia said in a clipped voice, sitting down in an armchair not too far from the couch. She stared off into the distance.

"Oh...kay..." Mr. Garcia said as the ten year old took a seat next to his dad. He looked at Carlos, "What word did you learn today?"

Carlos smiled brightly, "Oh, it was -" _BANG! _a gun was fired in the movie. Both parents stared at Carlos in shock and horror.

* * *

"What are we having for dinner?" James asked. Mrs. Diamond was driving down a long and empty road to their house across town.

"We're having takeout." Mrs. Diamond answered, keeping her eyes on the road. "I didn't have enough time to cook tonight."

"_Again__?" _James exclaimed, "But we had takeout last night! Why doesn't dad ever cook dinner?"

"Because your father's a selfish little prick." Mrs. Diamond said harshly. Her voice then warmed, "Unlike my sweet little gem, of course."

James rolled his eyes, looking out the car window. "I'm really tired of takeout and leftovers."

"I know. But since your dad's 'rockstar' career hasn't taken off yet, I have to work really hard so I can get enough money to feed and clothe all three-"

"I know, I know." James said, interrupting his mom's tired-out speech. "You're busy, I know. But takeout food is just so -" _Screech!_ Mrs. Diamond immediately stopped the car when she heard the final part of James's sentence.

"What did you say?" Mrs. Diamond asked, exasperated and bewildered.

"You mean -" _Honk! _A car behind them beeped their horn. Mrs. Diamond started to drive again, but was still shocked at what her son just said.

* * *

"It's time for dinner, Logan." Mrs. Mitchell said, entering her son's room. She found him reading the dictionary. Again.

"Sweetie, school's over, you don't need to continue to read that." She said, then added, "In fact, you didn't need to read it during the school year, either. Most elementary schools don't assign dictionaries to ten year olds."

"Oh, I know. I'm just looking up a word." The boy replied, not taking his eyes off the book.

Mrs. Mitchell placed her hands on her hips, "Well, you'll have to do that later. It's time for dinner."

Logan sighed, closing his dictionary. "Fiiine." He stressed, getting up and following his mom out the door.

Mrs. Mitchell was a curious woman though, and asked "What word were you looking up today? I can't believe your teacher tried to actually teach you more vocabulary on the last day at school."

"I didn't learn it from school, I learned it from Kendall!" Logan said, walking down the long and winding stairs to the first floor of his house. "Hey, maybe you know it? It's -" _Meow!_

_"_I completely forgot that we owned a cat." Logan said, picking up the white furry kitten and walking to the dinner table. Mrs. Mitchell also walked into the dining room, but was speechless at what her son had just said.

"You said that you learned that word from Kendall, right?" Mrs. Mitchell asked.

"Yeah, what does it mean?"

"It...uh..." His mom hesitantly replied, taking her cellphone out of her pocket, "I need to make a call."

* * *

It was a peaceful dinner in the Knight household. Until the phone started ringing off the hook, anyways. Both Mrs. Knight's cell phone and house phone kept ringing due to the fact that two women(and one man) kept trying to call her. She ran from the dining room and into the kitchen, trying to take all of the calls in private when she learned of the subject matter.

"Ooh, Kandy's in trouble." Katie said with a grin.

Kendall looked at the four year old, "Why would I be in trouble? And don't call me that!"

"Kandy's always in trouble."

"No, I'm not." Kendall retorted, "And you're old enough to say my name correctly!"

"Says who?" Katie asked innocently, "Kandy is '_big_ brother' because he's old, and not me, the '_little_ sister'."

"I am _not_ old."

"I have to use all my fingers to count to Kandy's age because he's old." Katie said, stretching out her ten tiny fingers to prove her point.

Kendall groaned, "Katie, stop being so -"

"_KENDALL!_" Mrs. Knight exclaimed upon hearing Kendall's last word from that sentence.

Both kids looked at their mom in astonishment. Katie giggled and leaned towards Kendall in order to whisper, "So, old big brother _is _in trouble!"

* * *

Early next afternoon, all four boys were seated on the couch in the Knight family's living room. Standing in front of the children were Mrs. Knight, Mrs. Diamond(Who came alone, so her 'idiot husband' wouldn't mess things up), Mrs. Mitchell, and finally, Mr. Garcia(Who also came alone, since his wife just couldn't handle the horridness of the situation)

"Do you guys know why you're in trouble?" Mr. Garcia asked plainly and matter-of-factly, pacing around the living room as if it were the police station and the children were the criminals.

The boys all thought for a moment, but drew a blank. Logan offered up an answer, "Is it because I forgot to feed the cat, so mom had to do it instead?"

"You have a cat?" James asked, surprised.

Logan nodded. "I know. Weird, right?"

"No, it's not that." Mr. Garcia said. Logan sighed in relief.

"But you are also in trouble for not feeding your cat." Mrs. Mitchell interjected._  
_

Logan cursed, "Aw -" _Bark! _The neighbor's dogs were out again.

"_Logan!__" _Mrs. Mitchell exclaimed upon hearing her son say that word again.

Mrs. Knight hastily interjected, "I don't know where he learned that word, but it was definitely not from my son!"

"What word?" Kendall asked.

Mrs. Knight looked at her son with wide eyes. "You know..." She trailed, "The word your friend just said."

"Oh, you mean -" _BARK BARK!_

The three women all seemed distressed when they heard Kendall say that word with such carelessness.

Mrs. Diamond spoke, "Kendall, did you or did you not teach my precious little gem that word?"

James rolled his eyes at that babyish turn of phrase. "Mom! Don't call me that." He said, trying to ignore Carlos's snickering. "And yeah, Kendall taught us that word, I guess. What's the big deal?"

"Big deal?" Mrs. Diamond said, then let out a huge sigh. "My little boy is turning into his father!"

"Brooke, don't overreact." Mrs. Knight warned.

Carlos piped up, "Ooh, Mrs. Diamond, can I call you Brooke too?"

"No." Mrs. Diamond said. She looked at Mrs. Knight, "And I do _not _want my son hanging around such a miscreant!"

"Kendall is a good kid!" Mrs. Knight argued, "He clearly doesn't know what that word means."

Mr. Garcia agreed. "Right. So let's tell the boys why they shouldn't say that word, okay? There's no reason why we should break off a great friendship like theirs just because one of them learned a curse word."

"Wait, that's a curse word?" Kendall asked, "I thought I knew all the curse words already."

"You...know all of the curse words?" Mrs. Diamond gasped. "_All _of them?"

"Yeah, we all do!" Carlos answered.

Logan then began to list them all, "There's 'darn', 'jinkies', 'zeetus lapetus', 'heck', 'oh my gosh', 'fiddlesticks', 'blarf'..."

"Those aren't curse words." Mr. Garcia stated.

The boys looked confused. "They're not?" Logan asked, "My mom said they were."

Mrs. Mitchell shrugged when all eyes fell on her, "I tend to say a lot of things..."

"Half of them aren't even real words." Mr. Garcia continued, "Now, Kendall, where did you hear that curse wod?"

"From Katie." He answered, "She said it, and it sounded cool."

Mrs. Knight spoke in disbelief, "But Katie's only four."

"Both of the Knight children are swearers. And I thought you were a good parent, Jennifer." Mrs. Diamond said.

"I _am_ a good parent, Brooke! Katie's four, how could she have learned a swear word?" Mrs. Knight questioned.

"So, Kendall's either a swearer or a liar."

"I'm neither!" Kendall said, "I didn't know it was a swear word. I'll never say it again." The other three boys nodded their heads in agreement to that sentiment.

"Well, that's great." Mr. Garcia stated, "Now, I think we need to go upstairs and talk to Katie next."

"_We_? Why should I care? Katie's not my child." Mrs. Diamond stated, only to receive groans from the other parents.

Mrs. Mitchell offered an answer Mrs. Diamond's question, "Well, James is at Kendall's house a lot, and Katie is Kendall's sister. James and Kendall are practically like brothers, so if we used the transitive property, that means Katie is also James's sister as well!"

"Isn't math great?" Logan said to James, who merely ignored him.

Mrs. Diamond scoffed, "James and Katie as siblings? I would remember if I had given birth twice."

"Wait, where do babies come from again? I forget." Carlos said, "I wasn't very good in health class last year."

The four adults looked at each other for a moment before silently agreeing to head upstairs and talk to Katie, if only to avoid Carlos's awkward question.

This left the boys alone in the living room.

"Hey, wait a second." Logan said, "We never did learn what that swear word meant."

* * *

Katie was upstairs, and in her brother's room. She didn't like her own room very much, due to the monsters living in every crook and cranny of the place, but her brother's room was safe. When asked why her room had monsters while Kendall's room didn't, Katie could never give a straight answer. Her room had monsters, and that was that.

When the adults came looking for her, she was confused. Was she in trouble? She couldn't be! Only her brother ever got into trouble.

In any case, Katie decided to pull out her big guns. "Hi, mommy! Hi mommy's friends!" She said as sweet and child-like as possible. Kendall was the only one who knew the truth: Katie only said 'mommy' so she could get _d'awww _points and look innocent in front of her mother. When Mrs. Knight wasn't around, Katie would refer to her mother as 'mom' instead.

Mrs. Knight spoke, "Well, sweetheart. Uh..." She looked hesitant, "Remember that word Kendall said last night during dinner?"

"Kendall says lots of words." Katie replied. She only mispronounced Kendall's name when he was around to hear her.

Mrs. Knight was about to speak again when Mrs. Diamond chimed in on the conversation, going straight to the point. "She's talking about a word you've never heard Kendall say before. One he says he learned from you."

"Oh." Katie said, now understanding. "You mean -" _BARK! BARK! _

"Stupid dogs. They're so loud. That's why I have a cat." Mrs. Mitchell said, "Did you guys know that cat owners are much more intelligent than dog owners?"

"Hey, I have a dog!" Mr. Garcia said, somewhat offended.

"Exactly!" Mrs. Mitchell said.

Mr. Garcia was about to reply when Mrs. Diamond interrupted once more. "Guys, act like adults and_ focus _on the task at hand, please."

Mrs. Knight nodded her head, "Yeah, uh...Katie, where did you hear that word from, anyways?"

"The funny man, mommy."

"The...'funny man'?" Mrs. Knight repeated.

"Yes."

"Can you explain him to us?" Mrs. Diamond said, "I don't have all day, now. Some of us have a job to go back to."

"I can set my own job hours due to the fact that I'm rich." Mrs. Mitchell said unhelpfully.

Katie explained the man's appearance to the very best of her abilities, which wasn't very much. "He was old."

"Old?" Mrs. Knight echoed, "But you think your brother is old. How old was he?"

"Old...older than Kendall, and not totally old, but old."

"Oh, so between the ages of thirty and forty-five, then." Mrs. Mitchell said. When the adults all turned to stare at her, she simply shrugged.

"This isn't going anywhere." Mrs. Diamond said.

"Yes, I guess the best we can do is teach her to not say the word." Mr. Garcia said, "I doubt we'll ever find this 'funny man' she's talking about."

"Hey Mr. Garcia, are you pregnant?" Katie asked out of the blue, causing the adults to give her blank stares.

Mr. Garcia looked uncomfortable, "Uh, no..."

"Well, the daycare lady said she was pregnant today and her belly is really fat like yours. Why aren't you pregnant too?"

Mr. Garcia coughed. "Well, I have to go. Police duties and all that. See you guys later!" He said, then quickly exited the room.

Katie turned to the remaining adults, "How do you get pregnant anyways?"

Mrs. Diamond gave an awkward smile, "I think I'm going to leave as well." She stated, walking out of the room.

"Are all big-bellied people pregnant?"

Mrs. Mitchell then exclaimed, "Oh, I seemed to have left my cat in the oven! Bye!"

That left Mrs. Knight alone with her daughter, who merely begun to ask one pregnancy-related question after another. Can boys get pregnant? Why can't boys get pregnant? What's the different between boys and girls, anyways?

Mrs. Knight wished the day would end.

* * *

The doorbell rang.

Kendall sometimes answered the door, though he wasn't supposed to. But neither was his sister, and he's caught her answering the door multiple times.

Well, his mom was busy upstairs doing whatever it was that moms did, and the other adults had ungraciously taken his friends back home, leaving Kendall alone in the bottom part of the house. He shrugged, there was no harm in answering the door, right?

When he opened the door, what greeted him was a guy who looked to be about thirty-five or so. He carried a bag filled with parcels, so he must have been the mailman. Kendall could hear the neighbor's dogs barking.

The mailman spoke, "Uhh, package delivery for...uhh...Missssussssss Knight?"

Kendall laughed. What a funny-sounding man! "Yes, she lives here." He said, trying to keep a straight face.

The mailman looked at him closely. "Heyyy...yous don't look like no 'missus'"

"I'm not! She's my mom."

"Ohhh! Well, I'll has yous her package, then." The mailman said, taking out a small box from his bag.

Kendall grabbed the package and looking at the encryption on it. He pointed to the address line of the box. "Uh, Mr. Mailman? This box isn't for _Mrs. Knight_, it's for _Mrs. Kite_. She lives next door, where the dogs are."

The mailman then took the package back, staring at the address line in confusion. Then he groaned. "Oh, nooo! Not Mrs. Kite! Her dogs is as scary as -"_ BARK! BARK! BARK! BARK!_

At the last word of the mailman's sentence, the neighbor's dogs broke lose of their leashes and hopped the fence, heading straight straight towards the mail carrier. "Oh, nos!" He said, running away, "Not agains!"

* * *

"...And _that's _why my friends and I don't swear." Kendall said to his girlfriend, who sat next to him by the poolside within the Palm Woods.

Jo raised an eyebrow at him, "Oh...nice story?" She tentatively said, "It didn't really make much sense, but okay..."

"But don't you see?" Kendall insisted, "That mailman swore, and he got bitten in the butt by a bunch of dogs. I want my butt to be safe, Jo."

Jo awkwardly smiled. "Okay?"

Kendall nodded, "We've been together for almost three years, Jo. And we've known each other for over four. I just needed to let you know that I can't be with anyone who swears. It's...against my nature." He sighed, "But, I've never heard you swear before, so I know we'll be okay." He then patted Jo on the head, "We will always be okay."

"Oh...kay..." Jo spoke, still keeping the same awkward grin on her face. "This was a...very nice date, Kendall."

Kendall grinned, standing up from his seat. "I'm glad you thought so! I have to go to work, but see you tomorrow, okay?"

"Alright. Goodbye kiss?"

"Goodbye kiss!" Kendall gave her a chaste kiss on the lips before departing, Jo smiling and waving all the while.

After he left, Jo wiped the awkward grin off of her face, looking around in confusion. The story Kendall told her was weird, and she had no idea why he decided to dedicate a full two-hour date to warn her about 'The Dangers Of Swearing'.

Soon after Kendall left the scene, Jo's only two friends, Camille and Lucy, walked into the pool area.

"Hey, how was that date of yours?" Lucy greeted amicably, standing beside Jo's pool chair.

Jo had a bewildered look on her face, like she was still trying to process what Kendall had told her. "He...spent _two hours_...telling me about how I should never swear..."

Camille nodded in understanding. "Remember when we had that prank war last month? When I got hit with a marshmallow, I said 'crud'. Carlos freaked out so much that he told Logan, and Logan wrote me a five paged essay about why I shouldn't swear."

"Crud isn't a curse word, though." Lucy said. Her eyes then sparked in understanding. "Wait...so _that's _why James fainted when I told him that I wanted to -" _SPLASH! _Someone jumped into the pool. "-his -" _SPLASH!_ "-the next time he and I came home from a date! I just thought he was a prude."

Camille shrugged. "Yeah, I told you guys that Big Time Rush hated curse words. They're just a bunch of -" _SPLASH!_ "-sometimes, you know? I always have to watch my mouth around them."

"At least they're cute." Jo said, "They're kinda -" _SPLASH!_ "But they're cute."

**The End.**

* * *

**Xoxo,**

**This is why none of the 17-19 year old teenagers on Big Time Rush ever swears. Big Time Rush only hangs out with NON-POTTYMOUTHERS.**

**This is also why you shouldn't swear. If you say a NAUGHTY, a dog will bite your BOOTY.**

**I know that James's parents are divorced. This happened before they divorced. Yeah.**

**I have no idea how 10 year olds and 4 year olds talk like. How do children even work?**

**And Mrs. Mitchell didn't have a personality in Big Time Moms so I gave her one. **

**I hope you enjoyed it.**

**Yes, I know, Alexa should've been in the final scene since it takes place after James and Lucy got together(AKA after Big Time Dreams), but.**

**I didn't want to.**

**Let's just pretend she was invisible, alright? She's a shy spy.**

**If you're still reading this Authors Note, please treat yourself to a scene that I deleted from the story:**

"Joanna, stop being such a ditz, and pay attention!" Mrs. Diamond said, "The faster we finish here, the faster I get back to work. Not all of us are extremely rich, you know."

Mrs. Mitchell grinned, "Do you want to know my secret to being rich? I got rid of my husband _years _ago."

"Hey! That's rude." Mr. Garcia interjected, somewhat offended.

Mrs. Diamond rolled her eyes, "If getting rid of your husband was the answer, then why is Jennifer so poor?"

"I'm...not poor!" Mrs. Knight said, "This is a middle class neighborhood!"

"Suuure, it is." Mrs. Diamond said. "Believe whatever you want to make the pain go away."

Katie didn't know what was going on, so she turned back to what she was doing before: stealing her brother's money from his drawer! She had no use for the useless green paper though, she only wanted the shiny coins.

**And so, Mrs. Diamond got rid of her husband and became super rich by the time Big Time Moms rolled around.**

**Thanks for reading! Please review, those make me happy. Criticism is welcomed.**


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